He Never Could
by ohdumbledear
Summary: A few things the Doctor could never do for Rose Tyler.
1. Being jealous of Mickey

_Being jealous of Mickey_

"Mickey! Mickey the idiot!"

"Would you stop calling me that?" says Mickey, but it's more of a command than a suggestion. "Don't even know what got you started."

"Oh, Mickey, bless. Your thick brain just won't comprehend what mine will. And I don't think you'd want to. Believe me, if you saw what I saw, every day-"

"Oi!" Mickey exclaims, and the Doctor can't tell if he's truly offended or just kidding.

"So," says Rose, entering into the control room after finally throwing some proper clothes on. "Where to today?"

Both Mickey and the Doctor are dumbfounded. They're always like this in the mornings, or really anytime after too long without looking at Rose. It's kind of pathetic. Rose walks over and ruffles Mickey's hair (or what little hair he has, anyway. At least that was one thing the Doctor was certainly not jealous of). Mickey smirks a little bit, almost toward the Doctor himself, as if to say "Ha, she likes me better." (She doesn't, of course.)

The Doctor does what he always does and attempts to joke. "Not gonna ruffle my hair, then?"

"Nah. I'd probably mess it up, and you'd go on about how humans don't know how time lord hair works," says Rose, obviously teasing. The Doctor frowns just a bit, barely visibly. Is he that contemptuous?

"Anyway," he begins, after gathering himself, "I thought we could visit your mum, Rose. We haven't been in a while. Yeah?"

"Sounds great!" says Rose, and she looks at Mickey as if for approval. The Doctor notices this but tries to ignore it.

Mickey nods and begins to recount an old story about Jackie. Of course, it's from when-Mickey-and-Rose-were-dating (a time the Doctor tries not to think about. He does get jealous more easily than he'd like to admit). But the Doctor laughs along, as if he remembers too, and that's just another thing Rose loves him for. He just fits in so easily. She has never told him this, of course.

It never takes long to get to Powell Estate, if they're going to the correct year, that is. Rose is the first one out of the TARDIS and up the many flights of stairs to her old home. Mickey follows, and the Doctor closes the door on the way out. Rose has her own key, so she opens the door immediately, without stopping to think if Jackie is even home or doesn't want visitors right now (it is rather dark outside, after all). Instead, she just calls "Mum, I'm home!" and of course Jackie comes running to the door squealing.

"Oh, Rose!" She captures Rose in a tight bear hug, kissing both cheeks in the process. Rose does that funny smile of hers, where it's like she's saying "whoa, settle down" and "I love this" at the same time. (The Doctor has, of course, memorized all of her smiles.) When Jackie finally lets go of her daughter, she turns to Mickey and kisses him on the cheek as well, and hugs him and says "how are you?" over and over again. Mickey loves the attention, and tries to tell her how he is even though she's not really listening.

Finally she turns toward the Doctor and gives him a hug and says "Oh, I missed you, all of you! How have you been?" and then, more quietly, "How are you and Rose?" in a way that makes it seem like she's talking about more than just their regular world-saving lives.

He nods slightly and whispers "later" through his teeth, because he's smiling. He notices that he's the only one who didn't receive kisses from Jackie, but he doesn't mind. (Put that on the list of things he's not jealous of Mickey about. There's another Tyler he's more concerned about.)

When Jackie lets go of him, she asks, "Do you even know what time it is?" She gestures to the window, out of which nothing can be seen. It's totally pitch-black.

"Um… no?" answers the Doctor, cocking his head.

"It's one in the morning," says Jackie.

"But it was eight in the morning when we left!" says Mickey.

"Well, don't whine at me about it, talk to that time lord of yours! He's the one flying the thing!" says Jackie.

"He's not my time lord," says Mickey.

"Fine, Rose's time lord," says Jackie, and everyone is completely silent.

Mickey feels awkward, of course, because he's the one who was head-over-heels in love with Rose (or so he thought). He always feels uncomfortable in the TARDIS because he feels left out, but the thought that the two might not be a real couple always comforted him. Does Jackie know something that he doesn't? Were they a couple? Mickey looks at his feet to try to hide his face.

Rose feels awkward, because that's not who the Doctor is to her. She wouldn't mind it, of course, putting that kind of label on him. But she and the Doctor are not in the position to consider themselves belonging to each other. However, if he had to be anyone's time lord, he definitely would be hers.

The Doctor feels awkward, because how did Jackie know? Did someone tell her that he and Rose are completely meant to be? That they are fully belonging to each other? They may not tell each other this, but the Doctor knows it to be true. Nothing can ever ever split them up- they're the stuff of legend. (He may even be blushing, ever so slightly.) So who told Jackie? Was it Mickey? That Mickey.

"Kidding," says Jackie, as if this makes it better. Analyzing everyone's faces, she can tell exactly what's going on here. Mickey still loves Rose, but so does the Doctor, and Rose doesn't quite know what's going on. "Anyway! I'm off to bed, I'll see you all in the morning!"

"Technically, it-" starts the Doctor, but Mickey steps on his toes and gives him a look. Jackie doesn't need a reason to slap the Doctor right now. Rose giggles. The Doctor smiles at her, even though she's looking at Mickey, and immediately he feels more awkward than before. _Oops_. She's not laughing at him. She's laughing at Mickey. Or, in better words: he's not the one making her laugh.

He doesn't think about all the times that he does make her laugh (which is actually most of the time). For a time lord, he really does think about only the present a lot. Right now he's not remembering how she'll laugh when he rambles about time lord things or when he's flustered or when he makes a funny pun. He won't admit it aloud, but he never could stop being very, very jealous of Mickey Smith.


	2. Cooking

_Cooking_

Rose smells something odd. She's been reading quietly in the library and writing in her diary a bit, and she hasn't really been paying attention to where the Doctor's got off to. She very slowly makes her way out of the library, hoping something isn't wrong with the TARDIS (but also kind of hoping it is, because it would give her a good excuse to watch the Doctor fuss about the old machine, which is an activity she secretly loves). "Doctor?"

"Don't- don't come in! Please. Whatever you do, do not follow the sound of my voice!" he calls, but his voice isn't coming from the console. She wonders where he could be, if not there. And she's never considered herself a rule-breaker, but she's not exactly a rule-follower either. So she tries to get clever.

"Sorry, what did you say?" she answers, trying to hide her smile from her voice. "I couldn't hear you, it's so loud in the console!" She hopes he doesn't realize that she's not in the console room.

"I said, do not come after me! I'm very very busy right now, and I need no interruptions!"

"Sorry, what?" she calls again, tiptoeing through the TARDIS halls and following the sound of his voice.

"I'm doing something alone right now and don't come in! If someone were to come in, they would be ruining the- the thing I'm doing!"

"Riiight," she says, opening the door that she can now clearly hear his voice behind. The kitchen? Why is the Doctor in the kitchen?

"Rose!" The Doctor dashes away from the stove and toward her, covering her eyes with his hands. Well, not hands… oven mitts.

"What on Earth are you doing?" she asks, not removing his hands from her face.

"Um… nothing?" he tries. Rose scoffs sarcastically, so he mumbles, "Cooking…" He uncovers her eyes. "It's not a surprise anymore…"

Rose's jaw kind of opens for a second until she catches herself and says, "What kind of surprise were you cooking? And why?"

"Well, I was attempting to make tuna fish casserole… but it got a bit burnt, see." He motions to the crispy black remains of the casserole in the oven. He doesn't say anything else until he remembers to look back up at her, and he notices that she's giving him a look that says, "go on…" so he explains, "I just… I don't know. I thought it- I thought you'd like it. It was going to be nice and delicious, would've made a great dinner. And great conversation, too, really. Sorry. I thought you'd like the surprise of it, but-"

Rose doesn't care what he had been planning on saying next, and she imagines that he doesn't either, so she easily shuts him up with a kiss on his cheek. Immediately he turns a light shade of pink and he reaches a hand up to unnecessarily adjust his glasses. Nervousness, Rose assumes. "I love it." She doesn't love the taste of it, of course, or the smell, or its looks. She loves the idea of it. No one had ever cooked (or tried to cook) for her before, not even Mickey or Jimmy. She'd had lots of boyfriends who would buy her dinner, but not one of them cooked for her. (She supposes that none of her boyfriends still have cooked for her, since the Doctor is not her boyfriend and never will be- especially since he hates the term.)

She doesn't notice how long she's been just standing there looking at him, because she's been thinking more about how much more she loves him because of this. Here's a man who said he "hated domestics", now cooking (attempting to cook) for her! Rose Tyler, a tiny human! It's such a small gesture that it means so much.

The Doctor just assumes that Rose only said she loved it because she didn't want him to feel bad (which is partly true), so he's still feeling very ashamed and he doesn't notice the love in her eyes. He considers trying to cook again, but decides that if he does, it won't be much of a surprise anymore, and that's not nearly as fun. Why couldn't this just go right? It's his fault, of course- even in 900-some years, he never could cook anything (especially for Rose Tyler, of all people!). He assumes it's just nerves.


	3. Lying

_Lying_

Basically, it's a day full of lies (well not _full_ of lies, but there's more lying than normal). All the Doctor's, of course. And he's so bad at lying. It starts when Rose asks him about his last shower.

"Doctor, did you take a shower in my shower yesterday?" she calls from her bathroom, and her voice is kind of muffled because she's brushing her teeth.

"'Course not," says the Doctor, glad she can't see his face because he's starting to sweat already. "Why would I do that? I've got my own shower, don't need yours. Mine is better anyway, not that I know about yours-" he stops himself. _Too much._

"I don't believe you," says Rose, emerging from her bathroom and into the hallway where the Doctor's standing.

"Give me three pieces of evidence that prove I, The Doctor, a mighty time lord, me, would steal your shower."

"Alright," says Rose, and reaches into the pocket of her pajama pants. She brings out a bar of soap (his bar of soap, to be exact), a piece of short brown hair, and a shampoo bottle (her shampoo bottle). "See this soap? Yours. See this hair? Also yours. And this shampoo bottle? It's open, see, and I never leave it open."

"So… so that means that I did all of that?"

"Prove that you didn't," says Rose, crossing her arms.

The Doctor can't take it anymore, because he can't lie about little things like that. Lying about his identity? Easy. Lying about his intents? Usually easy. Lying about stealing Rose's shower for one night? Definitely not easy. "Fine! Yes, I used your shower, because I needed a change of scenery!"

"A… change of scenery?" asks Rose, holding back a giggle.

"Yes!" he cries, desperately hoping she believes him. This counts as another lie, because he had no need for a change of scenery. Really, he had just wanted to experiment with her water pressure and also get another whiff of that glorious-smelling shampoo she uses.

"You are so weird," she says, raising an eyebrow and grinning.

"Yep," says the Doctor, because he can't think of anything else.

The next attempted lie is not until dinner, in a strange restaurant on an unknown planet. (Basically, the Doctor had let Rose plug in some random coordinates and they zoomed to the nearest planet from there.)

"This food is rotten," says the Doctor openly, and immediately wonders why something so rude would come from his mouth.

"Agreed," says Rose. "I think we should leave. I can't bear this anymore." She too wonders why she had spoken so rudely. Rose doesn't like to think of herself as a rude person, and if she doesn't like something she tries not to let anyone know.

"Yeah, back to the old TARDIS," says the Doctor. So they get up and leave, and the Doctor makes sure to leave a little bit of Earth money so he doesn't feel bad.

"What should we do now?"

"I'd quite like just sitting on the couch watching films," says the Doctor, and he internally slaps himself. _What kind of idiot would say that?_ He desperately tries to stop himself from saying these kinds of things (even if they might be true). Too domestic, too un-timelord-like. But instead he continues on, against his will, "I've always liked that."_ Rose is _not _supposed to know that!_

"Me too," says Rose. "Didn't know you liked that kind of domestic thing, though."

"I don't!" says the Doctor. _At last, a successful lie!_ "Without you, anyway."_ What?_

Rose eyes him strangely. "Okay, is there something wrong with you? Are you okay? If there is such thing, I think some kind of truth syrup was put in our food…"

This time the Doctor externally slaps himself. Of course! He had forgotten to scan the meal with the sonic screwdriver and they both had ingested truth-telling serum, which is exclusive to only one planet. Of course, they _had_ to eat _there_. He mentally swears. "Yes, there was," he says. "I think I should sleep it off…"

"Nah," says Rose. "I want to ask you some questions!"

"Another time," states the Doctor as he walks off to his bedroom, frowning. Apparently, this whole day has just been further proving the fact that the Doctor can not, and never could, lie. And he probably never will. (Especially not to Rose Tyler.)


	4. Kissing her actual mouth

_Kissing her actual mouth_

"Yes! Thank you! You are brilliant!" he shouts, and goes with his instincts to grab Rose by the head and plant a forceful kiss on her forehead. She's really only pointed out a button that might fix the weird sound that the TARDIS has been making, but she deserves to know that she's smart. Because she is. Possibly the smartest companion he's had yet.

But now things have gotten awkward. Now, he's been kissing Rose on the forehead ever since his ninth regeneration. But that was a friendly thing. And technically, it's still supposed to be friendly, but his feelings seem a bit more than friendly.

Rose, however, seems to be beaming brighter than the sun. She loves it when he kisses her forehead, tells her she's smart, holds her hand, even just talks to her. She really can't get enough of him. Of course, she won't let him know this (but she's beginning to feel like he can tell).

Meanwhile, the Doctor's face is a bit redder than normal. "Erm. Sorry." He gulps loudly and looks at his feet, scratching his neck.

"It's fine," says Rose.

"No, no it's not, I shouldn't do that, it's not-"

"Seriously," says Rose, louder. "It's really fine. I don't mind at all." That might have been overkill.

"Really?"

"Yep. You could even do it more if you wanted."

"What?"

"Joking," says Rose awkwardly. (_No I'm not._) "But seriously though." (_Seriously, you could kiss me anytime._)

The Doctor takes this as a "seriously, I don't mind" (which is, after all, what she means) and then speaks before he thinks. "So you wouldn't mind this?" And he kisses her on the cheek, and then wants to disappear. _Oh, no, that was too much, she doesn't want that, I can't believe I would do something like that-_

"Nope!" says Rose, grinning.

So the Doctors thoughts change. _I could have just gone for it, gone straight for the lips… Why didn't I do that? I could still do that…_

However, his thoughts fight themselves. _No I couldn't. She's a companion. A human. I'm going to lose her one day._

_But she means everything to me._

_Well, she shouldn't. Also, that would probably be going overboard._

Then he realizes that the silence is a bit too long for comfort and says, "Great. I'll keep that in mind." Rose hopes that's true.

And, oh yes, he does keep that in mind. He does kiss her more often. But never on the mouth. He tells himself it would hurt both of them too much, when he's thinking about it. When he's not thinking about it, and he almost goes for it, he still can't. He just can't explain why it seems so impossible to just kiss her on the mouth, just this once, it can't really hurt that much- but he never could really kiss Rose Tyler (not even when he tried).


	5. Complimenting

_Complimenting_

He can compliment her. He does it all the time. "Rose, you are so clever!" "You're just brilliant!" "Rose Tyler, you are simply fantastic!" These are, however, his "automatic" compliments. He gives them to everyone (partly because they seem true for everyone he meets). He doesn't even think about it. Sometimes Rose will point out a detail he missed, or give him directions when he's lost his way, or even simply remind him to wash his clothes. So a compliment just pops out, and Rose will smile, even though she's heard each one a billion times.

Really, that's all he _can _compliment her on. Of course, he notices every good little thing about her, and takes a note of it, and sometimes compliments her mentally. "You look wonderful in that shirt." "I love the way you care about people you've just met." "Rose, you make excellent pasta." He likes to think that they're still just friendly, and giving her any compliments other than his normal ones about her cleverness would be going too far. So he keeps them inside.

One day, they go to to 18th-century America, just to have a look around, because Rose has been curious about that ever since she was a little girl. Obviously, going far into the past requires a bit of dressing up to look the part, so Rose goes back into her personal wardrobe to find something to wear. The Doctor, of course, stays in the console room in his everyday pinstriped suit.

When Rose gets done changing, she's wearing exactly what a person in 18th-century America would have worn- including a funny little white bonnet and a skirt that makes her hips look wider than is natural. "How do I look?" she asks, giving him a twirl.

"You look…" _Lovely. _"Like a regular pioneer woman," says the Doctor.

Rose's smile fades just a tiny bit when she says "thanks" and she looks down at the floor, but then she lightens back up and says "ready to go?"

"Of course!" says the Doctor, and punches in a bunch of numbers and letters. "Off we go!" He pulls one last lever and stands there, waiting to hear the TARDIS noise that means they're in flight.

"Forget something?" asks Rose, and pushes a green button directly in front of her. "For example… the button that actually makes us take off?"

"Knew there was a reason I keep you around. Just brilliant, you are," says the Doctor, beaming at her. He may not be able to give compliments very well, but the ones he does give hold the most sincerity he could ever put in them.

"Really? Never heard that one before," says Rose sarcastically.

"It's true, though," says the Doctor. "You're incredibly smart."

Rose knows that it's not quite true, that she's smart and brilliant and clever and whatnot. She never was the best student while she was still in school- even though she didn't stay for very long anyway. But she also knows that the Doctor's not lying when he tells her these things, because that's just how he sees her. She can tell that the Doctor thinks she's the most clever being in the universe.

What she doesn't know, though, is that she is the Doctor's universe. Only he can't ever tell her this, because of all his countless reasons ("she's human" and "I'll outlive her" and "we don't deserve each other" and "it would be flat-out inappropriate" among them). However, both of them are completely aware that the Doctor never could truly compliment Rose.


	6. Falling asleep after her

_Falling asleep_

Eventually they both came to terms with the fact that their feelings for each other were not simply friendly. The Doctor had weighed all his options and thought about all his reasons and decided that just admitting it ("I care about you- quite a bit more than originally intended- you know how I mean, don't you?" were the words he used) and in turn, finding out that Rose felt the same way ("of course I do," was her reply, along with a long hug and a kiss on his cheek) was worth a lot more than any amount of sadness he might feel once she left.

Being a bit more open about their feelings has caused some changes- for example, they hold hands a lot more often, and stay by each others' side nearly constantly, and they even share a bed. ("I was thinking we could- maybe, if you want- do this more often?" the Doctor had suggested one night after he found himself laying next to Rose in her bed after she had woken up crying from a nightmare.)

Rose knows the Doctor doesn't need as much sleep as she does. She's told him countless times that he doesn't need to still spend the nights with her, if he's just going to lay awake being bored the whole time.

But he's far from being bored, on those nights that he doesn't sleep. It's nearly impossible for him to even bother with trying to sleep, because his brain is so awake. Sometimes he uses this time of complete silence to reflect on his days, but most specifically his days of the past couple of years- the ones spent with his one and only Rose Tyler. Often, he just turns over to face her, whether she's facing him or not, and he just admires her. He doesn't want to seem creepy, but often he just can't help himself because she is so beautiful, all the time. He just loves every inch of her, and sometimes he tells her that. She can't hear him, and he knows this, and he still tells her anyway because he's too scared to do it when she can hear him. He may be a mighty and brave time lord, but he's weak around Rose Tyler. Though he doesn't yet use the exact word "love," because he's still afraid of the word, even when she's asleep.

When he does need sleep, he makes sure he can get to sleep easily without being distracted. This means that he has to be facing away from her in the bed, so he doesn't distract himself with the beauty of Rose Tyler, like that of a goddess. It still takes him a while, though, because he doubts he'll ever get used to this- being this close to her, being in love with her. He realizes that he never will, and never could.


	7. Saying goodbyeI love you

_Saying goodbye/I love you_

"Rose… Rose…" he calls. _Please, please hear me. Please come._

He makes himself visible again, and he finally sees her. _Rose. _She turns around. "Where are you?"

"Inside the TARDIS," he says. "There's one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close, and it takes a lot of power to send this projection. I'm in orbit around a supernova. I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye." This isn't the first time he's thought of this. Normally he's against using up giant bodies of gas, but this is worth it. He has to say goodbye.

"You look like a ghost," says Rose.

"Hold on," he says, and presses a button on the sonic screwdriver. That should make him come into focus for her, even though looking more realistic might hurt her more.

"Can I t-"

"I'm still just an image- no touch," says the Doctor, knowing what she was going to say. Their life is- was- all about touching. Holding hands, kissing cheeks all the time.

"Can't you come through properly?" asks Rose, tears in her eyes.

"The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse," says the Doctor sadly.

"So?" says Rose, smiling through her tears.

He smiles back, and briefly wonders the same thing- if only those two universes were uninhabited. He would allow those universes to collapse in a heartbeat. "Where are we? Where did the gap come out?" he asks, trying to make a normal conversation, trying to hold back emotions.

"We're in Norway," she replies.

"Norway. Right."

"About fifty miles out of Bergen. It's called Darlig Ulv Stranden."

He notices that she must have traveled for days to get to him, but he doesn't mention it. "Dalek?"

"Darlig," clarifies Rose. "It's Norwegian for bad. This translates as Bad Wolf Bay."

Oh, those words. Leading them to another end. He hates those words. But he smiles anyway, still trying to be okay.

"How long have we got?" she asks.

"About two minutes," he tells her, knowing he's got exactly two minutes and twenty seconds. He's calculated all of this, rehearsed exactly what he might say to her, for days.

Rose pauses, and then says "I can't think of what to say…"

The Doctor glances over at the Jeep that Rose seems to have ridden in to get here. "Still got Mr. Mickey, then?" he asks, seeing Mickey standing near it with Jackie and Pete.

"There's five of us now," says Rose. "Mum, Dad, Mickey, and the baby."

"You're not-?" A very quick feeling of fear sweeps over him. Is Rose pregnant? What if she is? There's no way _he _could have gotten her pregnant… Mickey? Someone else? Was it that fast? In that brief moment, he almost wants to change his mind and disappear.

"No, it's Mum. She's three months gone. More Tylers on the way," she says, and he is relieved.

"And- what about you? Are you-?" He wants her to be okay, to be back to normal, to keep living her life. She shouldn't be held back from life just because of him.

"Yeah, I'm back working in the shop," says Rose.

He nods and says "oh. Good for you," and he means it.

Rose laughs. "Shut up… no I'm not. There's still a Torchwood on this planet, it's open for business. Think I know a thing or two about aliens…"

At this, the Doctor grins. "Rose Tyler. Defender of the earth." He's so proud of her, what she's become. "You're dead- officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. Here you are, living a life day after day." His voice shakes just a little bit. "The one adventure I can never have."

"Am I ever going to see you again?" Rose sobs, and looks down, her head in her hands.

"You can't," he says softly. Oh, what he wouldn't give to be able to see her again after this. He needs to see her again, to see her every day- but he can't. And he almost doesn't want to go one living, if it has to be without her.

"What're you going to do?"

"Oh, I've got the TARDIS. Same old life, last of the time lords," he says, pretending that he'll be fine. Just as he was before meeting her. He wishes it could be true, that he could ever be the same. But he never will.

"On your own?"

He nods. He has to be alone. Curse of the time lords, he tells himself, but really he's afraid that if he finds someone else they won't measure up to Rose, and it wouldn't be fair for them or him.

"I-" starts Rose, and he watches her collapse a little bit more. "I love you," she states.

He looks at her fondly before saying, "Quite right, too." She nods. "And I suppose- if it's my last chance to say it-" he pauses, gathering his strength. He can say it, he has to, it's his last chance- "Rose Tyler-" and then he watches her fade from view, and he's staring at the inside of the TARDIS again, and a tear falls down his cheek. He stands there, open-mouthed, as if he could still say it so she could hear, just this once, he has to let her know- _Rose Tyler, I love you_-

There are so many things he wants to say to her, and he wants to see her again and hold her tight and tell her he loves her over and over again. And he hates himself for not telling her earlier, when they had each other in person, but of course he had to be too scared of the word.

Surely she knows, though. He never said it out loud but he showed his love through his actions, and he likes to think that she knows. (Actually, telling himself that she knows is what keeps him sane.) If only he had told her. If only he still could.

But he never could.


End file.
